BILAL ANSAR KHAN

Burst Orange

No mama I have genuine problems. Things have not been fixed for twenty years. I don't blame you. Because mama, you didn't find the situation for yourself that would allow you to have seen my problems. And it's also that I was too far ahead of everyone else let alone you. If you can't see something how can you stop it? Allah ka kurum you erred on the side of freedom. That I won't touch it, risk ruining it, as opposed to letting it run around and hopefully not lose itself. And when I say you, you know that I'm really talking about Abu, right? If he had touched me, he would've destroyed. You touched me, and often, and it was helpful. Like when you forced me to go outside and talk to others. I made friends because of that. It was Abu who would have destroyed.

That is not true. I think I would have won that fight. But he didn't even try, which led me to develop fully on my own. But then, if he had tried to discipline me, and managed to discipline me even a little bit, wouldn't I have thrown away his shackles anyway? And still retained some of his discipline, maybe a passion too, for cricket, and so had greater development?

This is getting too complicated. Forget it mama. It's not important. I have an old, genuine problem. Let me tell you an event so you'll believe me. Because all this don't think about it will mean I continue to make mistakes which continue to get me into trouble. You'll see when you listen to it. No please just listen to it, it will take two minutes. Then say what you want. You know I listen to you. You know I'll be quiet and listen to you straight for ten minutes. And I'll actually understand what you are saying and give you an answer that shows I have understood what you said. That is who I am. I listen to you always. I listen to you best.

I shouldn't say that. I listen to you good. Like everyone else. I'm not better.

But I am better. At listening to you. I believe I am better. So I should say that.

At least when you're saying something important. I'm not sure I'm listening when you're backbiting. I mean I am, but not carefully? But I'm always listening carefully!

Shut up.

Okay mama listen. In Hong Kong once I went to the beach with a couple of friends. We all sat on rocks a little far from the sea. But then I went down, alone, and started looking at a light in the water. Now this is it mama. You can see my problem here and by this time it's too late. You'll see when I tell you. They're sitting on top of the rocks, talking about me. Now, what am I doing? I'm just standing there looking at the light. You know I do these things, right? I don't care what people think. If I want to do something I'll do it, right? Nobody can stop me. And I know you like it, and everybody likes it, because it's not something you all can do. So when you see me do it, you feel great. Because you couldn't do it, at least someone is doing it, and you feel good about it. We couldn't achieve our dreams, at least our kids will bla bla. Just shifting responsibility for action, but that's not important.

Thing is, I do care what people think! And I care on such a basic physical level that it will shock you! Yes, mama stop. Listen! This is crazy behavior! Not my overthinking and going crazy. This is crazy!

You know what's happening in my mind when I'm standing there looking at the light? You think I'm looking at the light and thinking about the light and I'm so lost in it that I don't even care about others. But mama, I care about others! In fact, I am thinking about what others are saying about me! And mama, at the very moment I am supposed to be lost in the light! Do you see? That's the only moment I can't be thinking of others! And what am I doing? Thinking of others! Thinking of others thinking of me!

Ugly. Absolutely ugly. The beautiful that is actually ugly? Star Plus benevolent mother-in-law that is actually a villain? Maulvi who's a rapist, in a mosque, during namaz? Oh my God!

Mama don't be scared. I'm not saying I'm a rapist. Sorry. What am I saying?

Mama, when I am staring at the light my friends who had gone with me, are saying look at him. He's not caring about anything and doing what he wants. They don't know I can hear them, but I can hear them! And I am thinking about them! And not the light! I am thinking about what they are saying! And not the beauty of the light, or whatever it is because of which I was pulled to it!

That's not true. I'm thinking about the light too, but I am also thinking about them! And that's important for this point. Because they are imagining I am just thinking about the light. And I'm only thinking about the light five percent. Ninety-five percent I'm thinking about them! That's the problem! Actually I'm thinking more than five percent about light. The problem is I stop thinking about light completely and start thinking about what they are saying fully. But that's complicated, so focus on this point.

They think so highly of me because they think I'm not thinking about them at all! If they had known I was thinking of them this whole time I was staring at the light, they would be shocked! They would think what an absolute... stuck in himself.... boy! They would hate me for the reason they loved me, that I was looking at the light. Because I'm looking at the light because of them! And not because of myself!

And I'm thinking of what they are saying and enjoying it, just feeling really, really good about myself, because of what they are saying. Can you imagine what they would think of me if they knew that? Uff mama. They'll hate me. What a... I don't know... small... ball of... ego!

Worshipping yourself mama. Idolization. Shirk!

Islam came to eradicate that. Islam! And not just Islam. Everyone! Marxists say the same thing. They lie, but they say the same thing! The meetings Asim is attending? They say the same thing!

And I continue to stare at the light because of what they are saying about me, not because I want to look at the light. I mean, I also want to look at the light, but, not important!

Mama don't worry. Don't worry. I'm not saying I'm not Musalman. I am. Of course I am. I'm just saying the roots are the same. Like this is what the Prophet Sullulahoalayeheywaalehewasallam didn't want us to do. He didn't want us to be thinking about ourselves when we should be thinking of others. Not at that very moment!

Mama, this is so bad. This is so bad. Do you see now? And this goes all the way back, all the way back. I think this has been there from my very first speeches. Mama, in the third grade when I gave speeches in Beaconhouse or Sheikh Zayed. Maybe before that. Maybe Kindengarten.

But I don't remember thinking about people in those speeches. So maybe it wasn't there? I don't know.

Do you see now? Do you see why I need to think about what has happened? You didn't know I had this problem, did you? You make people into gods and when they burn you don't care. It's not your fault, it's nobody's fault. But at the end of the day somebody is hurt, right? And we need to fix that. If I don't think about the problem, mama, and see how it is in my bones, how can I solve it?    

I'm not going to think and think and go crazy. I'm not your relatives. It's actually good that I'm thinking. I only see this as a problem because I think about this, right? Isn't that good? Isn't that a blessing? Thank God. Mama thank God. Abu never learnt.

You didn't believe this was a problem. I kept saying and you didn't believe me. Nobody believed me. Because I'm so good, nobody believed me.

Be brave mama. Listen to me. This doesn't depress me, ok? Don't worry. And I will not depress you either. But the problem is real and we need to fix it. Don't worry. We'll work on it together and this won't be solved in a day. Five to ten years and we'll fix it. Don't worry mama, don't worry. We'll fix me.

Bilal Ansar Khan's work has appeared in Arboreal. After completing his MA in Philosophy from Georgia State University, he is now pursuing a PhD in English/Creative Writing at the University of Louisiana at Lafayette.