MERCURY-MARVIN SUNDERLAND

I Found a Strawberry

i found a strawberry
with eyes instead of seeds
from the stem
i could find
an optic nerve
growing out of me.

for this strawberry
had grown out of my left socket.
and so as i picked the fruit
my left eye was now gone.

there was no blood only
strawberry jam cascading down my face.
and so i stared at my mutilated image
and from my socket again
i picked another strawberry.

from my hands
were mush
and i was glad
i could never see this again.

An Alchemist I Know Tried to Turn Clamato Juice Into Pearls

an alchemist i know tried to turn clamato juice into pearls
their room was filled
with the stench of clam juice and tomato
but no treasures

at night when the sandman came
they awoke and
strangled him until he was dead

the sandman
leaves no body
and so he
exploded into a desert
which soaked up this whole room of failed dreams

they viewed this world
with eyeballs coated in sand
they fell asleep
and woke up to a room of nothing but rot.

I Grew Antennae

i grew antennae
and i am glad you never saw
the way that my head
protrude feelers for
what i will put away 

from every night i will
turn the lights off
and sleep
for i have better things than to chase after
what i perceive as the sun.

i will
ignore my every whim
because i am not
the one who tells
i am the one who
mildly flirts
and hopes you’re braver than me

every day
i put on butterfly wings.
every night i
take them off
and shed myself into
the moth you will never see.

i will try to hide
my blushing
i will wear my outfit of red cherries and red roses
and carry on with my day.
i will pretend your appearance is average
every time you sit next to me.

butterflies
are often used to symbolize transgender people.
as a transgender man who is almost two years on testosterone injections
i am a twenty year old with the literal hormones of a twelve year old
but i still own the shyness
of all that time before.

i know that
when i live on a college campus
with a literal 70% lgbt population
i usually have nothing to fear
but it is so hard
to navigate feelings
when you are a gay man
who spent your first puberty
being sexually abused

what do you do
when the first notions you knew of sex
were those hands
who grabbed you
in all different shades of wrong

what do you do
when even the most innocent crush
is stereotyped
as you being a sexually diseased pervert

what do you do
when you are seen as nothing but an object
to women who love men who love men
don’t you remember
how she hurt you
objectified you and made you into a 

what do you do
when you faced your first sexual attacks
at the hands of another boy
before you even knew you were one

what do you do
when you are transgender
and are seen as nothing
but a fetish

nothing but
when the chaser
gets way too excited and asks
how big are your boobs
and so you block him

what do you do
when the sex ed classes were never made for you

when every romance story
would rather tell of your oppressors abusing each other
than any story of you

i know i started this poem as
just a meaningless story
about another guy in my class but

from every night i will
turn the lights off
and sleep.

No

no
i won't give you the full flavor of my life story
no
i won't be a part of your performative allyship
no
i won't be your inspiration porn
no
you don't see me as a sentient being
no
the lives of autistics are not yours
no
your "allyship" doesn't give you the right to appropriate my identity and lived experiences
no
your autistic family members don't make you one of us
no
i don't want to be cured
no
i am not an epidemic
no
i will not applaud you for your eugenics
no
you don't actually understand autism just because you work with autistics
no
you don't get to speak over me
no
i don't support autism speaks
no
i don't love the appropriative book called the curious incident of the dog in the night-time
no
i don't love you
no
you haven't earned my respect
no
i won't give you a cookie for being decent
no
i won't tone myself down to make you more comfortable
no
all you have ever done is disrespect me
no
you don't get to trample all over me and then say i lack understanding of human emotion
no
i don't want to tell you my traumas
no
you aren't fun to be around
no
you don't get to depict me as a monster
no
you don't get to trample us as children
no
you don't get to trample us who are nonverbal
no
you don't get to trample us
no
if you wanted us to like you then maybe you shouldn't treat us like garbage
no
you don't get to use "autistic" as a synonym for stupid
no
you will not say the word retard
no
you will not say the word spaz
no
there is no such thing as high or low functioning
no
i won't be bothered when you cry me a river
no
i don't find your jokes about our suicides funny
no
you don't get to subject me to a different version of conversion therapy
no
just because you haven't heard of some of my problems doesn't mean they don't exist
no
you don't get to torture me
no
the "X doesn't/does cause autism" debate is based in eugenics and is nothing but allistics screaming at each other on both sides
no
an autistic adult is going to understand what it's like to be an autistic child far more than your entitled pretentious ass
no
you don't get to stereotype me as a seven-year-old straight able-bodied cisgender white boy thing

.

yes
you are a piece of shit.

Do Not Ever

do not ever
ask a trans man
how big his boobs are

i cannot understand
the mindhood of cisgender people
why would you ever think
that wasn’t an invasive question

cisgender hands reach for a body that isn’t their’s
my body is a man’s body
my uterus is a man’s uterus
you think i am a space alien
a zoo animal
a frog for you to dissect

gawk at my
hips
cisgender people sure love trans pornstars
but make sure to write “no trans”
on every dating profile

you only love us
as a theory
a fetish
what am i but a walking talking oddity
come up to me
and ask about my vagina
as if i wanted you to

please
for the love of mars
i do not owe you the story of my genitals

i am not seen as owning my body

transgender people are not seen as owning our bodies

grab me
grope me
rape me
assault me
abuse me
if i don’t own my body
then that means
that i am public property
to be used by every goddamn cis person
who wants to prod and use me
like the science experiment i am

good juno
aren’t i just the perfect “no homo”
to every cis straight man?
aren’t i the ultimate test
to every cis gay man?
i’m expected to be hypermasculine
because no matter what i do
i will always be seen as less male than a cis man

ask me
for the full knowledge of my naked body
as if that was any of your business
if i did the same to you
i would be reported for harassment

good juno
cis women try to include me with them
because they will always see me as female
no matter what i do
cis people
see me as female
no matter what i do
i have a full fucking beard
and a deep voice
and yet you are still calling me she
cis woman thinks she is so progressive
but calls me woman in every reproductive rights movement
in every sexual violence movement
in every eating disorder movement

why am i
only male
when it is convenient to you?

i want nothing from your vagina-themed fake feminism
which throws trans women in the dust
trans women are women
they do not have male privilege
trans men are men
we do have male privilege
just not cis male privilege

why do you prioritize me
over every trans woman who exists?
is it because
this transness
comes from a cis-passing white man
who you yet still ask
for the full details of me
as a medium rare steak to consume?

the horrors
that i have seen
trans women face
always has made mine pale
in comparison

you only love celebrating gender
when it belongs to cis people

you only speak of gender issues
when it belongs to cis people

i sure love
being weaponized
against all other transgender people that exist

i sure love
it when
you demand knowledge of my nudity

the toxic masculinity
that lives inside of me
will never be bettered
by the way you grab our trans bodies

i sure love
it when
my people are objects.

Mercury-Marvin Sunderland is a Hellenist transgender autistic gay man from Seattle who uses he/him pronouns. He currently attends The Evergreen State College, and his dream is to become the most banned author in human history. He can be found as @Romangodmercury on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter.