EMILY PÉREZ

JEFFREY PINE

The naturalist asks us to smell it. Smell is the gateway to memory.
I think that's what some book told me. I once loved a Jeffrey, a boy, not a pine,
who grew to a painter, a man who died. Some people smelled vanilla. I just smelled
the barkness. All smell dissolved when I birthed my boys. Smell impeded
vomit free floors. Did Jeffrey smell of vanilla? I don't think he used Drakkar Noir,
the scent of our south Texas youth. Probably Polo by Ralph Lauren, which marked
his sophistication. Lauren was really Lifshitz. I think that's what some book
told me. A creature seeking camouflage. Jeffrey loved the Moonlight Sonata,
and for him I learned to play it. Though I never played it for him. It was my next
to last grand gesture. A mating call for a man. The last when I shaved my legs.
That was in my political days. A creature seeking camouflage. I don't
know much about nature. At least, I don't remember. All memory dissolved
when I birthed my first boy. Memory impeded more birthing. On an evergreen island
with the help of a book, I couldn't tell pines from firs. Their pinecones
and their needles. I remember genus pinus. I never told Jeffrey I loved him.
Then he dated my best friend. Of course he pressed her for sex. We didn't think
it was rapey. Remember, this was the 80s. A teen girl's ideal was a stalker who stood
on the hood of his car. Just outside her window. Nothing impeded
mating. I never saw Jeffrey's casket. Though we were both at the lake,
and we each took a turn, he never saw me on water skis. Even after
he cajoled me. I was a pre teen with a wedgie. Jeffrey died of a growth
in his brain. I never saw his paintings.

Emily Pérez is the author of House of Sugar, House of Stone, and the forthcoming What Flies Want, winner of the 2021 Iowa Prize. A CantoMundo fellow and Ledbury Emerging Critic, she's received support from Bread Loaf, The Community of Writers at Squaw Valley, Jack Straw Writers, and The Artist Trust. She earned an MFA at the University of Houston where she served as an editor of Gulf Coast and taught with Writers in the Schools. Her work has appeared in RHINO, Poetry, Prairie Schooner, Copper Nickel, and Fairy Tale Review. She is a high school teacher in Denver where she lives with her family.